Family can be tough sometimes. Let's be honest, balancing life goals with familial differences isn't always the easiest thing to do — even for people who claim it is.
For the sake of this article, when I'm referring to family, I mean anyone who you consider your family. That may be some close friends or extended family, but the concepts remain the same.
Being successful with these people comes with extra effort that sometimes isn't necessary with others. Truthfully, however, it's most often due to the fact that today's modern family has been set up for failure. With divorce rates over 50% and teen depression at all-time highs, we must forget about what seems normal and do the work.
Poor belief systems, coupled with destructive habits lead us to mediocre results, and regardless of how hard we work, it really doesn't matter. Over time, many of our actions have become completely automatic, establishing routines that unfortunately do not align with our wants. However, our lives are made up of the decisions we make, and while many of those choices are embedded deep down in our convictions because we've repeated them so many times, it's important to recognize that they can be changed, and that they must shift if you're to have a successful family.
This sounds easy, and in concept, it is. It takes enrollment from each person in the family unit, though. Without that, failure is imminent.
However, don't be fooled. Divorce or settling for average does not have to be the answer to a failing family. With the right strategies and a little belief, you can do incredible work.
Here are four elements of our X Squared Family System that are designed to do just that.
1. Intentionally Build Your Vision
We have to establish the vision with our family. It's actually baffling how many people get into relationships — and even get married — who have never talked about whether they align on a vision for life. Yes, many people ask things like, "Do you want kids," or "Where do you want to travel?" But, deep down, many people pursue a life with someone else without ever really knowing what either one of them actually wants.
A really important piece of this puzzle is being able to set expectations. When you tell people what you want, you actually give them direction and confidence because they get the blueprint on how to win. However, when you're vague, it only confuses people.
Every so often, your family will fight you or disagree with you on certain expectations, but that doesn't mean they need to change. This is why knowing what the vision is for your life is so imperative.
If you and your spouse know what you're looking to accomplish over the next year, the next five years and the next decade, it's easy to decide is expectations are relative or not.
You just ask: "Does this align with our vision?"
If it does, it stays. If not, it goes. It's that simple.
To build your vision, ask things like:
What does life look like in 1, 5 and 10 years?
What are we doing?
Where do we live?
What are our careers?
What's important to us?
Dig into these questions, and have fun! Dream, and you'll be amazed at the similarities you and your family probably have when it comes to the things you want.
In addition, just because there may be some differences doesn't mean something is wrong. You'll have to use your discretion to set your non-negotiables and the things you are unwilling to sacrifice.
Our X Squared Family System helps you discover this process and breakthrough misalignments to build a juggernaut of a vision.
2. Run Your Family Like a Business
Too often, I hear parents yelling at their kids to "pick up after [themselves]" or "get off the back of the couch". In addition, I experience spouses resentfully joking with each other about things they actually can't stand. Worse, when you bring to their attention, they get defensive and act like you're completely out of line for stating the obvious.
This is the typical example of people running their lives completely based on how they feel. It's complete neglect for the results they're getting.
If you truly want to build an incredibly family unit, you have to give it the respect it deserves. Why are your kids any less capable than adults? Why are your spouse's feelings considered excuses for a lack of production when anyone else doing a job is expected to do it regardless of personal feelings?
Plainly, your family is just like a corporation. Its success is dependent on the following:
Finances: Income vs. Liabilities
Productivity (i.e. Time management and schedule)
The health of its people
Roles and Teamwork
Alignment
Processes being followed
The fact is: emotional influence should be allowed few and far between when it comes to the daily operations of your household. Things need to be cleaned, kids need to be raised, the dogs need to be fed, and money needs to be made and managed. These are all operational processes that must be dialed in. Otherwise, it causes unnecessary stress and ungrateful tendencies.
When things go awry, family members must hold each other accountable. There must be processes in place to ensure that things are getting done, everyone is fulfilling their commitments, and the weight of the world isn't on one person's shoulders.
When each person has a clear role, you've got processes that align with what you're looking to accomplish, and everyone is working together, life becomes much more fulfilling.
3. Set Your Standards
Standards are the degree of which actions are performed. Many times, people think they have incredible standards because they have good habits, but they don't necessarily correlate.
For example, if you get up at 4:00 AM every morning and workout, that may be a great habit, but it doesn't automatically mean you have equal standards. If your idea of working out is walking on the treadmill, and then you use that to justify drinking every night because you worked out, it's unlikely your results are following what you're looking to accomplish.
However, if you want to drink every night because you enjoy it, you're going to have to raise your standards when it comes to your workout. Otherwise, you're just going to gain a bunch of weight.
Many times, this is a tough thing for families because just like the vision, expectations must be set and adjusted based on goals. If one person's standards are different from another's, it can be incredibly difficult to get aligned. Even tougher, it's hard to hear that your standards are not living up to expectations, sometimes. Reality tells us that it's likely that will happen, and we have to be able to deal with it anyway, though.
So how do you do that?
Well, this is where basic standards come into play. When raising a family, there are tons of phases, stages and obstacles which each person will probably go through at individual times. This can make agreement difficult.
However, agreement and alignment are not the same. People can disagree about strategy and still be working for the same results. In regard to standards, we have to focus on alignment. To do this, we have to completely remove emotion from the equation until we've become aligned. Once that happens, we can install positive emotion to fuel the fire and get things moving.
To measure your standards, ask yourself things like:
What are my best habits?
Are they getting me the results I want?
What are my worst habits?
Who am I after I've changed them?
4. Get Aligned on Your Values
Values are the foundational part of any successful relationship, including families. The reason I put this one last in today's article is because studies show that the things that are placed first and last in a sequence are memorized much easier than those in the middle.
If you remember one thing out of this article, remember this: your values are non-negotiable.
Does that mean they won't grow or change? No, it doesn't. However, most values never go away. They're just may be interpreted differently over time.
When we feel connection with someone, generally, it's because we share certain values. These values are often completely unspoken. In fact, many people have probably never even tried to decipher what their values are.
Good people tend to have decent values, and bad people tend to have ones we'd consider bad.
Ultimately everyone has values, though. The difference in them is due to the ways we interpret the world. In fact, the degree to which we tend to align with specific values like trust, honesty, loyalty and faith all have to do with our experiences throughout our lives.
Further, how we define such values can be completely different, as well.
This is why values — as a set — are the rocks within the concrete that ultimately becomes our foundation. If they're weak or able to be maneuvered by any external force that comes along, our entire life's work will fall into shambles.
To build your values:
Write down words that represent the best things about you/your family. Example: Honest, Integrity, Grit, Hard Work, Fun, Empathetic, Loving, Altruistic, Healthy, Growth, Respect
Consolidate any that are similar. Example: Honest/Integrity, Grit/Hard Work, Empathetic/Loving
Circle your top 5-10.
Write 2-3 sentences for each one defining what they mean to you and your family. Example: Honesty - We are candid communicators because we recognize that through honesty, we give each other the best opportunities to win. We want to know each other at the deepest levels, supporting each other even when it doesn't feel good, emotionally.
This process might take some time, and remember, if you're doing this with your family, get input from your spouse and — if they're old enough — your kids.
Once you set these in stone, commit to them for a year before changing them. Just give yourself time to make them part of your life, so everyone has an opportunity to make decisions and hold each other accountable.
Ultimately, these will become the basis for how you set rules, build processes and habits and decide what's important.
P.S. If you're a parent, if implemented 100%, these values will give you incredible confidence that your kids will make good decisions as they grow. It doesn't mean they won't mess up or be influenced. It just means they will have a foundation to recognize when those things are happening.
Join our wait list for the X Squared Family System, where you will get a fully personalized family handbook designed specifically to help YOU build the life you crave with the ones you love.
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